I start chemo next Friday. Not looking forward to it. I’ll be getting an infusion of 3 drugs every week- Taxotere, Paraplatin, and Herceptin. This Tuesday I meet with the naturopath at the cancer clinic and then I will have my first echo cardiogram (don’t know the spelling of that one) to test the strength of my heart because of the effects of the Herceptin. The oncologist warned me that I will likely experience nerve damage due to the chemo which I may or may not recover from, but the common side effect is numbness and tingling in the fingers and toes (and my nails will be funky, too). Since that meeting, I’ve been less than enjoyable to be around (just ask Reen), but I’m also coming to terms with what the next several months may look like.
This week I’ve received beautiful knit hats from the knitting group at work, and I’ve been imagining the gorgeous fabrics that I could wear on my head. I know that part of this process will be about re-imaging how I can make this a journey of discovery. I will hopefully only have to go through this once in my life, and I want it to be a powerful representation of my strength and courage. The past week, I’ve felt less than courageous, and I’ve been resistant to what lies ahead. Although I have been told that I am “an inspiration”, I feel more like a fraud, and I want to change that. I want to inspire myself and to seek ways in which I can draw from this experience in order to empower my future. I want to explore the ways in which even the dreaded chemo regimen can create fullness in my life. Mostly, I want this journey to be one in which I prove to myself, more than anyone else, that I can be powerful, graceful, and fierce.