April 30, 2013

choosing to blossom.

by wendi

blossom

Pardon my absence. I’ve been using springtime as an opportunity to sprout; to push through a thick layer of earth and reach toward the sky in hopes that I will develop flowers. It’s been lovely, really. And more challenging than I ever imagined.

 That’s germinating.

My work and my personal life have been stretching me in ways I never thought possible. Which is what it takes to bloom, I think. No. I believe it. Because it has been those times in my life when I have gathered everything I thought I could possibly have in myself to achieve what I never thought possible, only to find out that I had that much and more.

 That’s sprouting.

I learned how to blossom from an early age- watching my mother dig (literally and figuratively) to make plots of abundance out of very little. The soil was often rough and the tools were frequently rusty, but she tended her family garden with courage, wisdom, grace, and, often, pure stubbornness. I’ll always love my mother for that. Out of adversity and challenge grew a plentiful crop of goodness.

That’s cultivating.

As a kid, I fought against all it took to make a garden grow. Chores were a drag. I didn’t understand that tending the garden by weeding and mulching and loving unconditionally was what made the veggies so delicious and the berries so sweet. I only knew that I wanted the end result without all of the work. I keenly remember the taste of the bright orange carrots picked fresh from the soil when I wanted a snack and was kicked out of the kitchen. My memory is ripe with images of the raspberries I picked for my morning cereal, our trusty dog at my side. And yet I hold the distinct memory of rolling my eyes and stomping my feet when I was given the chore of weeding row after row in our vegetable garden- thinking that my time was far better spent hiding out in front of the basement television watching the fuzzy re-runs of Charlie’s Angels or Eight is Enough.

That’s growing.

Jumping forward to the present, I love every part of gardening. I especially love to get down and dirty, bare feet touching the earth as I squat over the vast expanse of luscious soil, searching for another space to tend. I adore the process of watching something grow from seed to plant, unfurling into fullness. I like knowing where my food comes from and witnessing the seeming miracle of nature’s bounty. And mostly, I enjoy the memories that come from placing my body near the earth.

Every time I step foot on the earth, my senses come alive, and I remember that I am part of something so much larger than myself. I honor my roots, and experience what can only be described as full body sensory memory where my toes spread out, my skin tingles, my nostrils engage, and my eyes take in the world as brighter and more expansive.

That’s blooming.

Plants often need to go through challenging times to blossom; winter, drought, a harsh pruning. These experiences are sometimes the very things that provide what it takes for a plant to pull up what is necessary to push forward a bloom. And that’s life. Harshness can be just harshness, sure. Pain and suffering can be terrible and debilitating, yes. But sometimes it’s these times of challenge that provide the environment for shiny new growth.

That’s surviving. That’s thriving.

That’s beautiful.

March 6, 2013

how changing my mind opened my heart.

by wendi

One month ago, I told most of my friends, colleagues and close relatives (and anyone interested in listening) that I was not at all interested in getting another dog. Not even close to interested. Our beautiful dog Emma died last spring after years of painful decline, and my heartbreak and grief slowly manifested into an appreciation for the freedom that not being a dog owner allowed.

Without a dog, I could ride my bike home from work without rushing or worrying. I took my time, noticing things that didn’t enter my sensory experience when I was hurriedly making my way to check in on our geriatric girl. Without a dog, our small condo no longer needed extra space for dog food, snacks, toys, or a dog bed (though we did have some of these due to our continual dog sitting stints and our visiting neighbor dogs). Without a dog, I only needed to drag the vacuum out once a week at the most, and I could wear black clothing and fleece without needing to pretend that I was wearing mohair.

I was in awe at the new-found peace that existed in our pet-less home space as I spread out on the floor to soak up the entire sun spot on my own or ate popcorn without having two (or more) begging eyes glued to my bowl. I loved the spaciousness that not walking a dog afforded me, and for a few months I worked hard to use my time wisely, filling side tables with books that I planned to read and breaking into impromptu yoga sessions (just because now I could do such things without distraction).

Without a dog, though, my partner moped around dropping hints at her longing for another canine companion. Without a dog, what did we have to talk about or take pictures of? Without a dog, where was the meaning in our lives?

Perhaps I’m being melodramatic. But there is truth in the fact that we are inherently animal people. Our identity as a couple has been as pet owners for the entirety of our relationship. Not having a pet to focus on shifted the way we responded to one another in the silent emptiness of our home- in both good and challenging ways…

So, just less than a month ago, we bit at a friend’s anonymous link notifying us of the need for a home for an 8 year old beagle/ cattle dog mix. Within minutes of seeing this little dog’s picture and description, I had the application filled out and emailed to Vashon Island Pet Protectors. An hour later, we had set a time for the weekend to meet her.

Junebug

Fast forward to today: here I am typing happily away with a little dog snoring at my feet. The couch is covered in wiry dog hair, there are animal shaped toys strewn around the floor along with a gnarly looking bone, and there’s a leash hanging near the back door with a small plastic bag tied to the looped handle. We are officially the happy companions to “Junebug”, a little dog with a loud bark and a huge ability to make us smile. She’s by no means “perfect”, and she has some issues that I could live without. But I’d rather not live without her.  Largely, I’m thankful for Junebug’s imperfections. They mean she’s unique. They remind me that she can love me despite my own issues. We can be perfectly imperfect together.

Mostly, I’m thankful for the ways Junebug reminds me to wake up to the world around me; the sounds and smells that fill the park near our house, the significance of structure, and the importance of making time for play. It took this little dog to remind me to wake up just in time for spring blossoms. And it took this little dog to remind me that I can love bigger and stronger than I gave myself credit for.

Luke
               -  Mary Oliver

I had a dog
who loved flowers.
Briskly she went
through the fields,

yet paused
for the honeysuckle
or the rose,
her dark head

and her wet nose
touching
the face
of every one

with its petals
of silk,
with its fragrance
rising

into the air
where the bees,
their bodies
heavy with pollen,

hovered-
and easily
she adored
every blossom,

not in the serious,
careful way
that we choose
this blossom or that blossom-

the way we praise or don’t praise-
the way we love
or don’t love-
but the way

we long to be-
that happy
in the heaven of earth-

January 24, 2013

the remarkable thing about feathers and why my cancer experience wasn’t so interesting.

by wendi

feather

Within a month of being diagnosed with cancer, I realized I didn’t have time for bullshit.  I was experiencing a keen and urgent need to surround myself with only the people who mattered to me, uplifted me, or who weren’t afraid to talk about the hard stuff.  I was scared and freaked out, and I wanted to be encircled by authenticity more than I wanted fresh air.

As soon as the news got around to family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances, I found myself wading through an onslaught of emails, phone calls, notes and teary-eyed encounters by people who just weeks before didn’t seem compelled to ask about how I was “feeling” or “doing”. I was suddenly a cancer rock star; someone who people cared to know about because of what was apparently the most interesting thing in my life.

Total misconception: cancer makes the average person somehow remarkable and worth being around.

And the funny thing is that I fell for it, too. I still do from time to time. Cancer made me think that I deserved an urgency or specialness status that I didn’t/don’t. I thought that because of cancer and all of the crap that went with my experience of cancer, I shouldn’t have to deal with the normal everyday things that go with being a grown up (like dishes, making the bed, traffic, bitchy baristas, etc.). I thought I deserved to be treated…well, like a rock star.

I wrongly thought cancer made me somehow more interesting (it is why I started to blog, after all) and it raised the bar on what I thought people might be interested in hearing about my life. Cancer gave me something to talk about that made me unique in some way, and it brought many compliments my way. Cancer gave me the chance to be told on a nearly daily basis how “inspiring” I was (oh, how I detested that word after a while), and breast cancer entered me into a sisterhood of sorts. Cancer gave me an invisible superhero cape. And chemo was my kryptonite.

Funny thing about finding out you have something so terrible that body parts need to be removed and chemicals introduced to your bloodstream:  it becomes a fascinating piece of your story.

I balanced on the emotional seesaw of wanting every conversation to be related to cancer and wanting to avoid talking about anything related to cancer or cancer treatments. Especially when I was rocking a bald head and dealing with neuropathy in my fingers and feet, I would fluctuate between blurting out cancer talk to random strangers and lying to loved ones by saying I was feeling “great” or “wonderful”. Because logic does not always play a part of how one copes from cancer.

Now, well into my fourth year since diagnosis, I am all too aware that I need to find other ways to express my appealing, non-cancer related qualities. I also recognize how the further away I get from all of the details of dealing with cancer, the further I get away from identifying as a “survivor”. I am not just someone who dealt with cancer. That was just a small part of my story. And perhaps not the most remarkable thing…it just so happens to be the thing others find interesting.

And this all got me thinking…we all hide so many of the things in our lives that we may be absolutely out of this world on fire about or little bits of our magical fabulousness for fear of being uninteresting, unacknowledged, or altogether denied. I notice just how much people work at being “interesting” and fighting for a place in the playing field; at the bar, in the office meeting, over dinner, in social media, etc. We work at having the zingers so that we can have the spotlight or be acknowledged. And, really, it’s the people who aren’t in the spotlight who are oftentimes the ones with the most wisdom to share.

How a feather blew me away and reminded me of my personal freedoms.

Take, for instance, my pen pal who has been living for nearly 10 years at Monroe Corrections Center (since he was a teen). He writes me at least one letter a month, and sometimes it’s just a list of books he’s read, math problems he’s learned, or movies he has seen. He writes about what he thinks might have significance for me.

This week, I received an envelope from my friend with a tiny little feather tucked inside the letter. My friend has been holding on to this feather for years, because it’s a small reminder of freedom and of the outside world. He never told me about his feather until this letter, most likely thinking nobody in the world would be so interested in such a small and modest gift. He wrote:

I’ve had this feather 7 years. You might think that’s weird but 7 years ago when I found it I was happy to find it for in prison inmates don’t get to hold in their hand leafs, feathers. I guess the little things like that I miss.

This feather represents something really unique and valuable about my friend- that he can treasure and care for something seemingly insignificant, despite his circumstances. That he can still hold onto reminders of what the world is outside. And that he thinks about things like metaphor and meaning in a way that so many people neglect. I love this feather.

And we all have our feathers to offer the world. Little things we hold onto that are of value to us and that help us to get by or remind us of what makes us feel free. Or maybe it’s not an object, but an attitude, action, or truth. Whatever your feather is, I encourage you to share it with someone. You never know what you might get in return (and sometimes those feathers are just buried underneath piles and piles of bullshit).

January 12, 2013

in memoriam

by wendi

In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery  The Little Prince

three goodbyes in one year’s time

A year ago, our humble little condo floor was covered in small, washable rugs and we had a cat- scratched sea foam 50’s era sectional in the living room. It smelled like a mix of old dog and pee, and we didn’t care. Our geriatric cattle dog Emma was still making her way in the world, despite having no control of her bladder and a limited ability to walk further than a few blocks. She still had a spark in her eyes, though, and we were glad to have her around. A year ago, we spent a good portion of every Sunday drinking tea at our elderly friend June’s house. We spent hours and hours listening to stories about The Great Depression, hidden places to find booze during prohibition in Seattle, and sailing the Puget Sound. June enjoyed spinning a yarn with her stories and loved nothing more than an engaged friend or two who were willing to make a pot of tea and sit with her. A year ago, I was waking up early every Monday to dash off to yoga class, but not before hearing the phone ring and chatting briefly with Reen’s mom Patsy who called like clockwork at 7:00 am. Patsy had a gift for gossip and a wickedly good sense of humor that I cherished. Even in a few minutes on the phone, she created a connection that many people can’t craft in hours.

Funny how so many things can change in one year; the absence of a canine companion, the adjustment of furniture, the shift in Sunday schedules and the silence of the phone on Monday mornings, to name a few. One year passed, and three beings who meant so much to our days and weeks are gone. One year passed, and we aren’t the same people we were before.

Emma died at home this spring and we were fortunate to be there to hold her paws and kiss her sweet fur as she breathed her last breath. Patsy died in the same hospital she retired from as a psychiatric nurse so many years ago. She suffered a brief but painful decline at the end of summer, leaving us with the scent of fallen leaves as we departed New England for Seattle with tear soaked cheeks. Our dear tea companion June died just a few weeks ago while her husband and I held her hands and talked her into her next adventure. We were lucky enough to have the opportunity to read June her favorite Truman Capote story A Christmas Memory the day before she died. I like to think it brought her comfort. It certainly brought that to us.

heart stretching, soul expanding, life altering grief

2012 was a year of major losses and a year that taught me more about love and of spiritual connection than any I have had so far. Even my dealings with cancer could not prepare me for the heart expanding experience of sitting vigil with our beloved dog and with two women who taught me in immense ways about love, faith and friendship. Even nine years of experience working in grief support with a hospice agency did not prepare me fully for the immensity of my own grief and the ways I would be physically, mentally and spiritually stretched by these losses. That’s the thing about grief, though. Every loss is unique. Every person is unique. Every situation…unique.

One of the many ways my yoga practice has helped me in the past year (aside from my little bits of midnight asana and meditation in the confined space between the hospital bed and the radiator) was to recognize that it doesn’t help to judge any experience or any thing or any one as fundamentally good or intrinsically bad (and yes- I need to remind myself of this often). Sometimes things are just the way they are. And the one thing that can be counted on, thank goodness, is that every experience, thing, and person not only can, but will change.

So, here’s to a new year of experiences and connections, losses and gains. As much as I love new beginnings, I also love pausing to think about how I’ve been blessed and transformed by the souls in my life; living and deceased. Right now, I light three candles and pause for Emma, Patsy and June. These three remarkable souls brightened my life and reminded me in equal measure to listen from the heart, to laugh from the belly, and to get up from time to time to shake it out and play.

IMG_0050 100_1944 IMG_2891

December 28, 2012

an open letter to the helpers

by wendi

 When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.
-Fred Rogers

After learning about the devastating school shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary, I was at a loss for words. Like so many people, I was stunned and sad, trying to figure out what to do with my sense of helplessness. I went to Brené Brown’s Ordinary Courage blog and found the above quote, and then continued to see it posted on social media sites. It spoke to me.

I was raised with the wisdom of Mr. Rogers, but at the time, I had no idea how profound and wise his words were. I just found him comfortable and predictably steady. I liked that. Life can be so complicated, and someone as calm and wise as Mr. Rogers can provide exactly what a kid from a divorced family needs (or any kid, for that matter).

Mr. Rogers was a helper.

Disasters so often make people focus on what’s wrong in the world; guns, violence, poverty, hatred, ignorance, the lack of social services, etc. And these are all facts. There are lots of things wrong in the world. But there are also some amazing and beautiful and freaking incredible things right with the world, and that’s what Mr. Rogers’ mother was so keen on pointing out. There are always helpers somewhere. In any challenging situation, you can focus on the darkness and the pain, or you can focus on the people who are willing to sift through the pain to go directly to the source of healing. In other words, you can be a part of the solution, or….you can be a helper, neighbor.

I want to be a helper.

And I’ve been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who know how to be helpers: People who aren’t afraid to stand in the muck for a cause or be spat at for being or thinking differently. People who are capable of sitting with others who are struggling with despair without trying to make it better for their own comfort. People who get that sometimes helping is letting others suffer, but not having to go it alone. People who drop what they’re doing to bake a pie in your kitchen so you don’t have to cry alone, but who don’t force you to eat a damned thing. People who go to the homes of dying people and offer to read, give a massage, watch TV, sit in silence, pray. People who offer their gloves to a homeless person or give a gift card for coffee. People who work with chronically mentally ill people and are willing to see beyond a deficiency and toward wholeness. People who don’t judge other people because of their past or the way they look or the way they talk. People who teach other people. People who continue to learn about how to be a better person. People who open the doors for other people, not because of gender or age, but because of pure kindness. People who spread love and light and joy.

I have known so many helpers, and I have been honored to be mentored and loved by them. Helpers love. Helpers listen. Helpers witness. Helpers heal.

Thank you to all the helpers.

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